there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
