Only a mothe r could love this liver
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
