matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
