Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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