and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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