You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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