I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Randomize