My first STD was from a foam party
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
