I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
