6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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