Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I'm going to jail i love you
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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