I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
