I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
