sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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