I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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