and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
