I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize