Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
did i walk over a car last night?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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