Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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