I looked at my own cervix.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
