Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
