im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
