Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
