i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
