Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
