she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
