broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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