Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
