i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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