life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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