Im at strip club and am horny
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
