Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
