I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
