omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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