Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
