i think my tv is drunk
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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