Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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