Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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