I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
