i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
