I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
