thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just pee around me
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
