I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
