so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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