I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If I die, sorry about rent.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize