i wish starbucks made bloody marys
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
