i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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