if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
