And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
