i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
