Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
