i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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