mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
