When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
